Notebook - 4

6.12.22

Platsch platsch platsch.

The little boy on the water's edge going platsch platsch platsch. Splashing splashing splashing. What's going to happen? Ich weiß es nicht. And I found this funny and wonderful.

The little boy watching. Full of fear. But then at some point he heard and felt - it was okay. He was allowed to live too. He was allowed to be there. And he relaxed and was able to breathe. My shoulders lightened. Later he was sliding in the great river, screaming with happy excitement.

There are habits that surround me. I don't have them - they surround me. Some of them are scaffolding that lets me ascend the heights and others are bars on a cage that keeps me in prison.

I spend a lot of time doing things I don't enjoy. I'm not even moralizing. It's just a fact. I don't enjoy reading sports pages or scrolling LI or Twitter. But I spend a lot of time doing it. I do enjoy writing & creating. Yet I spend more time on things I don't enjoy.

As I said, I'm not moralizing. It is curious, though.

My way ... it could be that I'm a fun scholar.

Do I respond better to fun & ease? I don't know. I do know that I respond very badly to pressure and should.