On Confidence
in which the machinery begins to creak again
Dear all,
It's been a while. And the longer it gets, the harder it is to get started again.
I've been trying for a while but nothing really sticks. I write a few words, sometimes even a few pages, and then the worries rise like bile.
This is shit. What is this shit? No one's going to want to read it. No one should want to read it. This is boring. Derivative. Self-indulgent.
You know, I could - had planned to - build on this. I had some interesting things to say about confidence. But I'm going to leave it there, for two reasons.
1) The same worries are rising again.
2) I think it's actually "fun" to present just the worries, without any neat resolution.
Normally, I write about problems from a perspective in which they've been resolved. I am open about many of my struggles, but often from a superior vantage point, one in which I have overcome them.
And that's not the nature of many of my struggles. I have temporary successes, and it seems in the nature of the beast that the success can only be temporary.
Freedom may be something that is a continual achievement, rather than something you can achieve once and for all. And so being free in one moment is no guarantee of being free in the next.
On the one hand, this is dispiriting. I have to fight the battle every time?
On the other, it's encouraging. No matter what's gone before, I can be free in this moment.
yours,
Pranay