On saying yes

Today everyone allows himself to express his dearest wish and thoughts: so I, too, want to say what I wish from myself today and what thought first crossed my heart - what thought shall be the reason, warrant, and sweetness of the rest of my life!

I want to learn more and more how to see what is necessary in things as what is beautiful in them - thus I will be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati? let that be my love from now on!

I do not want to wage war against ugliness. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse the accusers. Let looking away be my only negation! And, all in all and on the whole: some day I want only to be a Yes-sayer!

(Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 276.)

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Some day I want only to be a Yes-sayer.

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On the night that I fell in love with the woman who would become my wife, I said Yes.

I said only Yes. I said it with my eyes and my voice, my breath, I said it with my entire being.

I could say nothing but Yes.

And, you know, at some point, I think she said Yes to me, too.

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Life happens. Two kids, three international moves, four different houses. Different jobs, different challenges, different responsibilities. And we start taking people for granted.

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It’s Anaya’s first birthday today. I haven’t been at all bothered about it. She won’t have a clue either way, and I’ve got so much to do, and I love her every day so what difference does today make?

Annika feels differently. She’s organised presents, and yesterday she baked a cake with Rahi and Johanna. And then last night, despite having a headache because of chronic sleep deprivation, she stayed up to decorate the table, to wrap presents, to arrange candles and flowers.

We came down this morning to lit candles, to soft light glowing in a warm kitchen, to Rahi brimming over with excitement, to the centre of a home filled with warmth and love.

She’s full of love, my wife. She’s full of strength, too; maybe the two are connected.

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What do I mean by saying yes to a person?

It’s quite simple, really. It’s what it says. You say yes to them. To all of them. To everything they do and feel and say and think and are.

Sound absurd or unrealistic? Well, if you have kids, think about how you feel about them. Or if you’ve fallen in love, think about that, about the first days, weeks, and months of falling in love with someone. The honeymoon phase, we call it, and nod knowingly. But what if there’s more truth in the honeymoon phase than in what comes after?

To say yes is not to agree with everything the other person does, says, thinks, etc. Not at all. It goes deeper than that. The yes is the earth in which the person. You can dislike some of the things that grow on that earth, but your attitude towards the earth is one of fundamental acceptance, even of joy and of delight.

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We sat at the kitchen table, Anaya in my lap, Annika opposite me, Rahi to my left. Rahi’s wanted to eat the cake since yesterday, and he said, I have a really good idea!

Yeah, we said? What is it?

We could cut the cake now and everyone gets a slice!

That is a really good idea, we said, and so that is what we did. And as we cut it we sang happy birthday and Anaya looked on and made happy, excited noises.

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What happens? Why does the background of love change from Yes to Grrr why are you telling me to do the washing up again don’t you see how much I already do?

Perhaps this is one way of understanding the work of love: it is the work of keeping the Yes alive.

I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is flesh and blood Anni, soft eyes, angry eyes, shy, happy, vulnerable, closed, exasperated, loving, irritated, tired, glowing.

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A few nights ago, Anni came down after putting Rahi to sleep. I was cleaning the kitchen, Anaya was on the floor clattering away at some steel bowls.

Anni picked Anaya up and sat down, and started to speak. Shh, I said. I want to play you a song.